Why the black, Vicky? Its OK, you can cry

Giles Coren & , : {}

I instruct David Cameron would usually knuckle down and go on Piers Morgans diversion show. Now that we know how most women Nick Clegg has slept with and how most pints Gordon Brown used to splash in an dusk I feel woefully under-informed about the Leader of the Opposition.

He told Womans Hour on Radio 4: If you wish to be budding apportion you should open up. People have a right to get to know you and you should answer questions where it is appropriate. But he seems to think he has finished the pursuit by revelation Shortlist repository that hes usually a normal bloke who likes a pint and a diversion of darts.

Course he is. And Im descended from William IV, went to Eton and have a windmill on the roof tiles of my house. But the open needs some-more than that to have the domestic mind up, and Pierss Who Wants To Be A Priiiiime Ministerrrrr? (with the shades of Im A Tedious Policy Wonk, Get Me Out Of Here!) is the usually place where that can happen.

But Mr Cameron says: Im not a good fan of the Piers Morgan format. How unequivocally brave he? The usually probable reason for this is that Mr C has not had sex with unequivocally most women and is fearful of being done to see a girly pure when Piers comes to that consequential point in the show where he exposes the series of bare-ass nudey bonks the impending budding apportion can explain to have had.

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But thats difficult nipples for Dave. Its all Piers wants to know. And the flattering most all we wish to know. What group do you support? Who paid for your steep island? How most people have you shagged? Its what we cut off Charles IIs head for the right to know only how most people the leaders have boffed. And I think the vast that Mr Cameron is ducking the tough speak usually since he knows hes going to win anyway.

But well find out in the end. Well usually have to wait for until Camerons supervision is in pieces at the finish of his third tenure a bald, grey, fiftysomething George Osborne yapping at his nuts and Leo Blair at the head of a roistering Green Party/BNP coalition. Then Dave will have to come purify with Piers to save his party. Im betting the sum is three.

Apart from his mother therell be usually a plump lady from the encampment in a Cotswold haystack in 1982 and the head of his residence at Eton a integrate of years after who insisted on job him Maureen.

In the meantime, we shall usually have to have do with devising how it competence have left if Piers had managed to get an talk with a small vital chronological total whom one competence have approaching to decrease the offer.

Queen Victoria

Piers So, Vicky. Is it fine if I call you Vicky? Vick. The Vickster, if I may. All this black you wear. The henceforth prolonged face. Albert failing has unequivocally influenced you hasnt it? Queen Victoria W . . .

Piers You can cry if you want, V. I know you wish to. Dont be shy, give it a try. Its not the Victorian age any some-more ha ha ha ha universe leaders mostly have use of a open arrangement of tension to win votes from morons.

Queen Victoria We . . .

Piers Not that you need votes, do you? Whats it similar to being an Empress? Do you ever think Yay, wicked, Ive got an Empire! and hurl exposed on a map of the universe saying if you can cover India with one follower and Africa with the other?

Queen Victoria We are . . .

Piers What about your kids? Do you wish to discuss it us how you similar to personification Wii golf with them so that the open can brand with you? Bless the small mites. I mean, blimey, how most is it youve got? Nine, ten? Do you ever lose count? Can you recollect all their names? You and Albert contingency have been at it all the time. Like draining rabbits. Were you? Were you?

Did you do it a lot? How most times a day? What was he like? Was he any good? You know what they contend about German sausage. Ha ha. But seriously, what I think all your electorate wish to know is, did Prince Albert unequivocally have a, you know, Prince Albert? Did he though? Right by his royal, you know, thing. Did he? Was it silver? Was it? Was it?

Queen Victoria We are not . . .

Mahatma Gandhi

Piers So Mahatma, or rather Mohandas K. Gandhi. Tell the universe what it unequivocally wants to know. What does the K mount for?

Gandhi Karamchand.

Piers Are you sure? You dont think Kevin would fool around better? Make you see some-more of a man of the people?

Gandhi But my name is Karamchand.

Piers Are you positively sure of that?

Gandhi As a practitioner of ahimsa, I am sworn to discuss it the truth.

Piers Really? This should be fun [winks to camera]. So how most people have you shagged?

James Joyce

Piers So James, what about Nora Barnacle, eh? Bit of a goer is she? Eh? Is she? Is she?

Joyce Oldm floon by McOdins werp.

Piers Yes, yes, so youre desirous with the constraints of bourgeois well read denunciation as you find it and deplane in to forward unintelligible new word to demonstrate your comatose desires. We know all that. But how most birds have you shagged?

Joyce Wibble, wibble.

Piers Come on, some-more or less than 30?

Joyce Woonk, hin hin. Bleeeeen.

Piers Ill put you down for 73.

Ludwig Wittgenstein

Piers Thats sufficient tedious philosophy, Wiggy. Tell us about your family. Theres a story of basin isnt there?

Wittgenstein Er . . .

Piers Three of your 4 brothers committed suicide, didnt they? Tell us about that.

Wittgenstein I cite not to.

Piers But because not? People think youre usually a small tedious old passed kraut philosopher. Open up your heart and that Tractatus Logico-Philosophicus of yours will be drifting out of Waterstones, pal. Tell us about your childhood.

Wittgenstein Vell, I voz innate in Vienna in achtzehn hundert neun und achtzig, und...

Piers A box of Austro-Hungarys Got Talent?

Wittgenstein Was?

Piers Little joke. Dont mind me. Tell us about your tyro days.

Wittgenstein Zertainly, Mr. Morgan. I came to Cambridge in 1911 to investigate underneath Bertrand Russell.

Piers Literally under?

Wittgenstein No, zis is a local tenure in academisch zircles for . . .

Piers Come off it, Ludwig, you were a student, everybody knows what students get up to.

Wittgenstein Ja, I voss prinzipally conzerned at zis time viz ze truth of messameticks.

Piers With the truth of SEX some-more like.

Wittgenstein I am sorry, I dont . . .

Piers Come on, you were a large lad, outlandish Jewish looks, there contingency have been girls.

Wittgenstein Nein. Nicht at Cambridge in 1911.

Piers How many, come on, how many?

Wittgenstein There were no girls, Mr. Morgan.

Piers None? Thats impossible.

Wittgenstein Ja, I accept your tender zat ze konzept of 0 is, sui generis, unzound, but ve contingency have a relatif preference vezzer to . . .

Piers Boooooooring! Next!

The Virgin Mary

Piers So, Mary. How most people have you shagged?