ENGLAND ENTERTAINMENT-O-METER™: A - Watching paint dry; B - Keeping tabs on flourishing grass; C - Drinking the paint, followed by twenty gallons of turps, afterwards a 1l bottle of solitaire chaser, and anticipating it will all go afar (not pictured)
So. England, then. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Still, similar to George Costanza watchful for an reparation for the reparation and the strange reparation from James Spader"s recuperating alcoholic, England are dual in the hole! They competence have usually knocked about Wales interjection to Alan Wyn Jones" idiocy, and bested Italy after promulgation them in to a worryingly low coma, but dual wins are dual wins. Ireland, on the alternative hand, were undressed in Paris a fortnight ago, 33-10, and unexpected don"t see utterly as godlike as they once did. No grand impact for them this year, afterwards - and no slim possibility of hidden the pretension from France unless they win at Twickers today.
The reason I contend "stealing the pretension from France" and not "stealing the pretension from England": Come on, we"re all adults here.
The England / Ireland teams, in an all-new format that competence or competence not work unequivocally well on the page, but saves me a total bucket of reformatting here, so let"s go with it:15-Delon Armitage 15-Geordan Murphy14-Mark Cueto 14-Tommy Bowe13-Mathew Tait 13-Brian O"Driscoll (captain)12-Riki Flutey 12-Gordon D"Arcy11-Ugo Monye 11-Keith Earls,10-Jonny Wilkinson 10-Jonathan Sexton9-Danny Care 9-Tomas O"Leary8-Nick Easter 8-Jamie Heaslip7-Lewis Moody 7-David Wallace6-James Haskell 6-Stephen Ferris5-Steve Borthwick (captain) 5-Paul O"Connell4-Simon Shaw 4-Donncha O"Callaghan3-Dan Cole 3-John Hayes2-Dylan Hartley 2-Rory Best1-Tim Payne 1-Cian Healy
Referee: Mark Lawrence (South Africa)
Kick off: 4pm.
John Hayes. He comes bounding out of the unequivocally far-reaching hovel at Twickenham on his own, to comfortable applause; he"s the initial Irish player to consequence his 100th cap. So well finished to him. Brian O"Driscoll - picking up his 99th top himself - leads the rest of the group out a integrate of seconds later. Then out come England. It"s huddles all round. Aw.
A satisfactory point, well made. "Adults?" splutters Noor Jivraj. "Whoever listened of an adult male? Let alone a sporting fan. We usually are kids in higher-priced seats."
The anthems. First Ireland"s Call, afterwards God Save The Queen. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Someone unequivocally needs to do something about that anthem. Land of Hope And Glory is grating out now. That"s better. Not majority better, admittedly, but let"s keep all in context.
And we"re off! What a imitation right from the off. Wilkinson kicking towards... well, I don"t know the names of the stands, so he"s kicking in the wrong citation if you longed for to reach the M3. Anyway, he fluffs the kick-off, the spin bouncing hardly 10 yards forwards. Ireland shortly have their initial feel of the spin in England territory, prior to the diversion fast descends in to a hitch of possession-swapping.
4 min: WHAT A START BY IRELAND! TRY! England 0-5 Ireland. Tait looks to open Ireland up down the right, going on a dauntless run, but he"s got no await and the ball"s incited over. Ireland hurl it opposite the line out right, Sexton kicking by for Bowe to competition transparent after the spin down the wing and hold down for a thespian opening score. Wonderful fool around by the Irish, flattering horrible things by England.
6 min: The acclimatisation try is missed. Twickenham is silent.
8 min: England see to hurl it out right again, but Cueto and Tait are ponderous, permitting Best to mangle up fool around and withdrawal Flutey hugging the touchline fluttering his arms around in irritation.
12 min: The Irish are offside at a ruck, thirty yards out to the right of the posts. The ball"s shuttled at the behind of to Wilkinson, who attempts a dump idea in the full hold he"ll have an additional possibility if it misses. Which it does - as does his sincerely elementary chastisement attempt, crashing high off the left-hand post! Oh Johnny! How could you!
14 min: What tatty fool around all round. Ireland concede the spin to be incited over twenty yards out. England scarcely energy by the centre, Easter determined, but he"s hold up a integrate of metres from the line. The ball"s fast lost by England - afterwards strew with unjustified promptness by Ireland. The total ridiculous proviso of fool around comes to an finish with Wilkinson shanking a ludicrously bad dump idea try far-reaching right from about fifteen metres out tops.
17 min: PENALTY! England 3-5 Ireland. Some teenager infringment or alternative - sorry, I longed for it - gifts England a chastisement nearby the left touchline, thirty yards or so out. Wilkinson has had a kicking shocker so far, but category will out, and he strokes this one in in in between the sticks.
19 min: A pointer that this is still winter spin these parts: the floodlights are incited on, on fire away, whilst the sleet is pelting down on an out-of-date swamp of a pitch. Meanwhile here"s Gary Naylor, who appears to right afar have an iPhone, and thus is about 398 times some-more dangerous than ever. "Interesting to see the Royal Bank of Scoundrels" trademark in the center of the tatty pitch," he taps on the move. "They were ostensible to be as well big to destroy - similar to England"s pack. Like England"s pack, their comeuppance came usually after they proposed to hold it." What a contrition Naylor wasn"t around in the early 1960s, for he"d have certainly been a unchanging at Peter Cook"s Establishment club, with occasional appearances on TW3 to boot, utterly the man about Soho.
22 min: England are enjoying majority of the ball, and copiousness of territorial value here. They pitch the spin right afterwards left, receiving turns to set up ruck after ruck on each wing, and even a diminutive beat at one point. It"s an considerable duration of possession, but a brazen pass booty all the good work and the pressure"s off Ireland.
24 min: Some cock-up or alternative in the scrum gives Ireland a penalty, a integrate of yards in their own half, usually to the left of the posts. Sexton decides to have a large strike at the posts, but whilst his bid is on line, there"s not sufficient bosh in it - a bit similar to a headlines story created for a broadsheet rather than a publication - and the measure stays the same.
27 min: Sexton sells the onrushing Payne an vast manikin - it"s genuine Puskas-Wright fire-engine things - and afterwards drops the ball. From the high to the preposterous, though you do is formidable in this pelting rain. That was a pleasing pretence to watch, usually a diminutive dump of the shoulder to shift citation as Payne widespread himself dramatically, belly-flopping in to a pool of thin air.
30 min: PENALTY! England 3-8 Ireland. Sexton strokes an bid over from 35 yards, usually to the left of the posts. Naughty England and their you do transgressions on the floor!
32 min: Earls booms down the centre and kicks brazen towards the line, with the idea of haring after the thing himself. He"s tackled, though, and Care is on palm to brush up the danger. That was a dangerous mangle from Ireland, who after a quiet-enough half hour, have unexpected sprung to life.
34 min: Now it"s Ireland"s spin to outlay a bit of time in the antithesis half. They"re going nowhere fast, but it"s keeping Twickers unequivocally quiet. "I think we"re at choice D," says Alexander Netherton, referring to the ENGLAND ENTERTAINMENT-O-METER™ I"ve all lost to impute to. "It"s utterly beguiling so far but I still don"t similar to life." EMAIL ENTERTAINMENT-O-METER™: C
36 min: PENALTY! England 6-8 Ireland. O"Connell is all over the emporium at the lineout. Penalty. Happily for the BBC, Wilkinson takes an age prior to tokking it over from 40 yards, sincerely executive - since in the interim, a little goon in the lift out counter decides to broadcast about thirty seconds of credits from a little godawful light-entertainment show that"s on later. It"s not utterly a Dan Gosling / TicTac moment, but still a heady brew of destroyed and hapless. Thank you, my BBC!
HALF TIME: England 6-8 Ireland. O"Driscoll chips down the right and chases after his own kick. With risk appearing for the hosts, Monye sprints at the behind of to cover brilliantly. And that"s that for the half. Both teams have got usually about what they deserved. The spectators haven"t, though; it was flattering pompous things on the whole. ENGLAND ENTERTAINMENT-O-METER™: A, but that mixture certain looks moreish!
What the Twickenham open have been marked down to. On the BBC, Austin Healey is you do his research bit. Behind him in the stands, a little bloke appears to have detonate open a bottle of singular malt, that is on the shelf at the behind of Healey"s head, and is necking it with a little role and resolve. Now, my eyes aren"t that reliable, generally as the bad things can usually send their signals to my delayed brain, and that could be a big bottle of whim ale. But it could be a bottle of Talisker too. That"s all I"m saying. I instruct I had HD.
And we"re off again! Sexton hammers the restart to the far-right corner. Monye claims well. The ball"s hoofed up the line, Murphy dropping an easy catch and knocking forward, but Easter had run offside prior to the kick, and Ireland have a penalty, right on the touchline, usually outward the 22. O"Driscoll orders Sexton to kick.
42 min: The effort"s usually far-reaching right, never going over. Twickenham is roughly all silent, coma you could say. Is everybody necking total bottles of malt? I sort of idea so, especially to safeguard the headlines will be utterly engaging tonight.
44 min: Sexton had a go with a chastisement from inside his own half during the initial period, and right afar Wilkinson takes a cocktail from 50-odd metres out. Again, an desirous bid is passed on line, but short on distance.
46 min: Monye is tackled in mid-air by Heaslip. That"s a penalty, permitting England to send a flog usually in front of the Irish twenty-two on the left. There"s a cross-field flog by Wilkinson, an bid to open a integrate of white shirts free down the right, but Murphy is around to take, call for the mark, and fast belt clear. Hoof leg hoof. ENGLAND ENTERTAINMENT-O-METER™: B, but the weed is unequivocally soppy and in risk of being hammered down prior to it can prosper.
50 min: England concede themselves to be incited over inside their own 22. What a shambles. Ireland throw it opposite the line and set themselves up usually in front of the posts, 10 metres out. They rivet in a lot of fannying around, in the future surrender a chastisement for not releasing the spin on the ground. This is flattering bad fare. "Gary Naylor has an iPhone?" splutters Mac Millings. "I"m astounded he gets accepting in his Mum"s basement." I additionally consternation if he has an app so he no longer needs to lift about his 17-sided dice?
53 min: This is awful. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz, England! Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!
55 min: Wahey! It all kicks off. O"Leary and Care take each alternative by the throat. O"Leary prevented the spin being released. A penalty, but it"s topsy-turvy since Care instigated the brawl, shoving the Irish player in the chest and transfer him to the ground. "You can"t take the law in to your own hands," says the referee. Ireland send the spin towards the dilemma on the left. That could be a consequential decision. This could be a consequential proviso of play.
56 min: TRY!!! England 6-13 Ireland. Oh it could be consequential alright. From the line out, Ireland set themselves up a integrate of yards out underneath the posts, sincerely central. Sexton spots a opening out left, flinging a discerning spin out to Earls on the touchline. Earls catches clean and drops over the line in one movement, right in the corner.
58 min: Sexton misses the acclimatisation attempt, so it"s still a one-score game. If a pull does it for you, that is.
61 min: England rught afar get at the behind of on the front foot, pinning Ireland down in to the right-hand corner. They have the put-in for a scrum, yards from the Irish line. Twickers screams HEAVE (which has got zero to do with their blockade consumption). From the set-up, Care and Wilkinson convey the spin from the right in to the centre, where Tait scarcely powers over in in in between the posts. Eventually a cackle of white and immature shirts tips over the line, Cole with spin in hand. But does Best hold him up? The arbitrate goes to video.
62 min: TRY!!! England 11-13 Ireland. Yep, Cole usually managed to get the spin down prior to Best got in the approach and carried the spin off the turf. That"s a good decision, with the spin usually about perceivable the center of a mixed of arms and legs.
62 min and a bit: CONVERSION. England 13-13 Ireland. The spin carrying been grounded usually to the right of the posts, Wilkinson has no worry in rub-down it over to turn the game. Both teams carrying exchanged quickfire tries, this is much, majority improved all of a sudden.
64 min: O"Driscoll is down removing diagnosis after O"Connell knees him in the at the behind of of the head as the team-mates follow a lax ball. What a galoot!
64 min: The clock"s been stopped whilst the bracket comes on for O"Driscoll. He"s sitting up, so hopefully OK, but the Irish physio is receiving no chances. He unequivocally was whacked on the at the behind of of the head, promulgation his neck defeat at the behind of and onward similar to a tavern doorway in the breeze.
65 min: And we"re off again. Cueto chips and chases down the left, but nothing"s you do this time round.
65 min: Wilkinson sees a dump idea try from 40 yards charged down, but dual Irish players had romped offside; that"s a chastisement to England and a possibility for England to go brazen for the initial time in the game, right at the commercial operation finish of record as well. Wilkinson should modify it, though I theory it"s a satisfactory approach left of centre.
67 min: He misses right of the posts. His kicking has been bad today.
69 min: Tait, who has been sincerely lively, attempts to zip transparent down the left but is hauled at the behind of by Hayes. This is all England.
71 min: DROP GOAL!!! England 16-13 Ireland. Care wheechs down the center prior to flapping far-reaching right, a barnstorming run finale with a somewhat lax high pass far-reaching right. Foden takes a formidable spin down astoundingly well, cuts at the behind of inside and shifts the spin to Wilkinson, who drops a right-footed beauty over the sticks from 30-odd yards, with Irish shirts spreadeagled in front of him. He"s not been wearing prohibited boots today, but that was a splendidly ease effort. The symbol of a indeed good player, you could argue.
74 min: WHAT A TRY!!! England 16-18 Ireland. Ireland had been bad for majority of the half, and afterwards they unexpected detonate in to hold up with this! O"Connell claims a stately high spin in the line out on the right, dumps it down to O"Leary, who draws a man afterwards feeds the onrushing Bowe. Bowe drops a shoulder and skates past Wilkinson, and romps over the line to hold down in in in between the posts.
75 min: CONVERSION. England 16-20 Ireland The conversion"s clipped over the posts, and England need possibly a try or dual three-pointers to get anything from this.
77 min: Ireland destroy to recover the spin on the floor, on the median line to the right. Wilkinson strokes one towards the right-hand corner. It usually reaches the 22, thoug England will be means to set up one big pull from there.
79 min: England surge brazen with a beat - but when it collapses to the floor, Ireland win the put-in. Twickenham has been still all afternoon - but right afar it reverberates to the not-particularly-traditional strains of The Fields of Athenry.
80 min: O"Gara kicks transparent from deep. England have a line out usually inside the Irish 22, on the right. The time ticks over 80 minutes: they need to measure a try in this proviso to keep their grand-slam hopes alive! England work the spin left and right, but can"t work a hole in the Irish defence. They"re still dire afar ...
FULL TIME: England 16-20 Ireland. ... but they can"t have it. Ireland penetrate the spin in to touch, and it"s all over! "Wilkinson"s kicking underneath vigour could be a pointer of greatness, but it competence be a pointer of a man retreating to a one-trick hack diversion with that he is comfortable," says satire/wargaming polyglot Gary Naylor, the Jonathan Miller de nos jours. That was deserved by Ireland - though England ran them close and played improved than they have finished of late. ENGLAND ENTERTAINMENT-O-METER™: Not bad, towards the end, if you"re feeling generous.
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